Fic - with grace in your heart (Sam Seaborn) pg, 1/1

[abvj]

Title: with grace in your heart
Summary: He remembers a conversation had years ago with his mother - her palm on his cheek as she mumbled something about idealism and downfalls.
Rating: pg
Author's Notes: 981 words. Very specific season two spoilers. Set immediately post 2x20, The Fall's Gonna Kill You. It's been too long since I've written these characters, so con-crit is both welcome and appreciated. All mistakes are mine. These characters belong to Sorkin.

For the one and only justforyoudear.

Wednesday night, the longest week of his life (which says a lot, considering), and he twirls a bottle of Heineken between his fingers aimlessly. He’s angry with Josh, with Leo, the President, with Toby even. Sam is so unbelievably angry that he can feel it humming under his skin. For some reason he can’t help but think of his mother – a moment that took place years before when he was starry- eyed and careless, her palm on his cheek as she mumbled something about idealism and downfalls.

The memory makes him that much angrier.

CJ bumps her shoulder against his by accident and he looks up. Cars roll past, the gentle hum of the streetlights echoing in the midnight air.

“We were the last to know,” he says, still amazed, and if he shuts out the sound of cars moving along the road he swears he can still hear the thump thump thump of Toby’s ball against the window. He shakes his head and raises the beer to his lips for another long swallow.

“No,” CJ replies and sips her own beer. She looks tired, worn, and sets her beer aside and leans back on her elbows. “We were the first. There are millions of other people out there. People who voted for him. People who believed in him.”

“Ibelieved in him.”

CJ looks at him sadly for a moment, “And you don’t anymore?”

Sam doesn’t look at her, thinks of that day all those years ago, with the rain and that shit eating grin on Josh’s face and remembers how he had thrown his trash bag full of clothes in the back of Josh’s beat up Saab and thought he was doing something worthwhile. He remembers Lisa’s tone -- angry and hurt on his voice mail, you don’t have what it takes, you never will.

Maybe she was right.

“He should have told us.”

“He should have done a lot of things. We should have done a lot of things. He tells us three years ago, we’re not here right now. We don’t have millions of new jobs or teachers. We aren’t one step closer to peace in the Middle East. The republicans have our jobs and the white house and we’ve lost control of the senate and house.”

“Josh wouldn’t have been shot –”

“And Leo wouldn’t be divorced and you’d be married and I’d be tan and rested and we’d all be living a less interesting life and have jobs that mean nothing compared to what we’re doing now,” CJ shakes her head with exasperation and runs her hands through her hair. “And don’t even start in on me about run on sentences and my blatant over usage of the word ‘and’, okay? I’m just as angry and just as tired as you are, Sam. We all are,” she says quietly.

“He should have told us.”

“It was personal.”

“That makes it okay?”

“Of course not.” CJ looks at him again questioningly and he remembers Toby sitting there saying, I’ll be here in the office when you’re done and as awful as it is, Sam doesn’t know which is worse: not being told at all or being the last one of them to know. “It’s the lying?”

“Yeah,” he laughs and the sound is unkind as it bubbles in his throat. “It’s the lying.”

More than anything else he just feels worn and heartbroken. All those things they set out to do, all those things they still had left to accomplish overshadowed by a tiny lie of omission.

“It doesn’t change who he is, Sam.”

“It changes this administration. It changes everything.”

“We still want the same things. We still stand for the same things. At the end of the day he is still a good man. A good President.”

Sam sighs, long and tired. “Yeah.”

“We’ve done good things. Great things. We’re going to continue to do good things.”

“Things that will be marred by years of investigation, a censure, an impeachment.”

“They’re not going to impeach him.”

“He committed fraud against the American public, CJ. He lied to a quarter of a billion people.” The he lied to us is on the tip of his tongue, but he stops himself, remembers that this is so much bigger than him, than them. “Congress isn’t going to just take that lying down.”

CJ nods, reaching for her beer again and taking a long sip. “The Republicans are going to eat us alive.”

“That’s comforting.”

“That’s realism,” she says and she sounds tired too. Sam sees the shadows around her eyes, the creases beginning in the center of her forehead. “Look, worst case scenario: we run, we lose, we move on.”

Another beat, then, “So you’re not quitting?”

CJ laughs, low and rough, and finishes her beer with one last swig. She’s had time. They’ve all had time, and the thought still sets his skin on fire, but he’s getting better at burying it. “What else would I do? I will be lucky if I ever find a job that I am half as good at as I am at this.” She stands, looming over him in her heels and says, finally, almost as a parting shot: “At the end of the day, Jed Bartlet is still the greatest man I’ve ever met.”

Sam watches her leave and finishes his beer. The streetlight on the corner flickers and all he can hear is thump, thump, thump in the back of his head as he turns to go inside.










Morning comes too soon and Sam is in his office before the sun is up. Senior staff is at seven AM on the dot and he strolls in a beat after everyone else.

Leo looks at Sam expectantly as he slides into his seat on the right side of Josh.

Sam merely looks up and says, “What’s next?” as if it was never even a choice.

Comments

[empressearwig.livejournal.com]

I really love this.

[abvj.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! The West Wing is a fandom I really, really don't like to write because I've always thought it was pretty much impossible to replicate, so I am glad this worked for you!

[http://users.livejournal.com/spyglass_/]

This is fantastic. Thank you for writing it!

[abvj.livejournal.com]

Thank YOU for reading it. So glad you enjoyed it!

[torigates.livejournal.com]

This is excellent!

[abvj.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[justforyoudear.livejournal.com]

YOU WROTE THIS FOR ME?!?! It is so excellent. Seriously. Just the fact that this whole conversation takes place between CJ and Sam is excellent because they would and their relationship is so undersated. I love the inferences about his relationship with his mother, the repetition of the "thump, thump, thump" of Toby's ball against the glass. How angry he is and how Jed Bartlet is still the greatest man CJ's ever known. And the ending. THE ENDING because it is so true - it isn't a choice. Not even in the least.

Thank you so, so, SO much.

[abvj.livejournal.com]

So glad you liked it. I've agonized over this all month, so I'm glad. You know how much this fandom scares the crap out of me!

[abvj.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much!